DO we choose the words we use?

Or do they choose us?

Often where we come from dictates the lexicon we use.

If you’re from London, chances are you’ll have heard people referred to as ‘me old cock sparra’, even if only on EastEnders.

In Birmingham, if you meet an acquaintance you’ve not seen in a good while, you’re likely to ask ‘Ow bin ya?’.

Geordies will say ‘Howay man’ for ‘get away with you’, while Barry Islanders in south Wales will greet you with ‘What’s occurrin’?’ I jest – that last one, of course, was straight from the pen of the Gavin and Stacey scriptwriters. But you get the idea.

My grandparents hailed from Northamptonshire, where the favoured form of address was ‘me duck’.

I am originally from south Cumbria, where ‘love’ or perhaps ‘luv’ is the currency. But if you go over Shap Fell to north Cumbria, then you will be called affectionately ‘marra’.

Similar to ‘mate’, ‘marra’ probably has its roots in old Norse, as north Cumbria was home to Viking settlers many centuries ago.

One word that unites north and south Cumbria is la’al for little. Most famously, it is used in the name of the miniature railway from Eskdale, the La’al Ratty.

There is one word that unites the nation, I would suggest. Mate.

It’s the catch-all nickname, used north and south, east and west.

You hear it everywhere. You see it in emails, even texts, where it may be presented as ‘m8’.

It’s one of those words whose use comes more naturally to some than others. I think you can tell a lifelong user of the word ‘mate’, whose monosyllabic endearment runs through the veins.

It sounds natural on their lips.

But when it is used with affectation – perhaps in a bid by the user to sound cool – it becomes ostentatious. Like Ali G trying to sound black and street despite being white and middle class.

Whenever I’ve used ‘mate’ – usually trying to fit in socially – it’s always stuck in my throat. It’s unnatural, it’s not a word I use. So after a few disastrous outings I no longer attempt to use it.

Which brings me to two other words that are ubiquitous these days, yet in my view are completely fake. A decade ago nobody used them in the UK, but now you hear them everywhere.

I believe those who use them do so out of affectation. If you’re middle aged how have you managed to get this far without these crutch words?

You’ve managed because the only reason you use them now is because they are not real.

What are these words?

‘Hun’ and ‘babes’.

What words irritate you?