Last week, in the middle of the night, I lay awake thinking about life and how I’ve struggled with the thought of dying and the pain and sadness it would cause.

How I have tried so hard to be ok with this thought, not that I have to like it, but be prepared and ok with it.

And as the years go by and my options have become less and less, what was once just a negative thought is becoming closer to reality. I will never be ok with that thought. No matter what!

Every emotion is heightened at the moment as my mind is in constant turmoil over this long awaited, clinical trial that keeps being postponed.

So the longer it goes on the more I worry over it not working.

On a good note though, even after not having treatment for over 3 months now, scans show no spread.

What a huge relief.

So I now know that the headache I’ve had for 3 weeks constantly and that tickly cough that won’t go away, isn’t a brain or lung tumour.

I always said I would not allow cancer to control my life as the last few months I felt every emotion magnified 100 times over and because of this I’ve feared bad news, when there was none, ruined fantastic weekends away for myself and didn’t want to go out anymore.

So last week, when I lay awake thinking about all the stuff I already knew and have read about, that life really is a gift. A present.

As I’ve been suffering with anxiety recently and this constant ‘stage fright’ feeling, that is borderline excitement. Is it the fear of the treatment not working or excitement that it will?

Now I know people suffer with anxiety in all different ways but I thought, if life is a gift, a present, surely I should be excited to see what’s in it after I’ve unwrapped it, not fearful of what to expect. I then had my light bulb moment! Very dramatic but I love a bit of drama.

That excitement is created from our own perception of what’s in the box. The unknown. We can choose to be fearful of the unknown or excited.

We will never really know what exact feeling it’s going to promote until the parcel is unwrapped. The metaphor for this is to live in the present moment because we never know what it’s going to bring anyway until we get there.

And we can create our own daily presents to give ourselves that buzz of excitement through working in a job that’s your passion, marrying the person that you truly love, following your dreams and if it’s too late for that then hobbies that you love to do. But I say it’s never too late.

I visualised a square, gold box wrapped from each side with a red ribbon. I start to pull the ribbon and the box never fully falls open and reveals itself until 12am and the day is officially over.

So I never know the future until it has happened and it is my choice, because it’s my gift, how I am going to allow my day to pan out.

After a few blips, I focused on this visualisation image and the fear subsided and the worry was far less. It worked, well for me anyway. So now I know I don’t have to be ok with the thought of dying to take the pain away, my new thought puts me back in control of deciding what I want my day to be like and in turn affects my health.

In spite of the worry over the trial, this time of year is always the hardest, more emotional time of year for me.

As I prepare to become part of a dance extravaganza, I only wish I’d have been part of as a child, I’ll be found in my element backstage helping them get ready and front stage watching my daughters and their dance school, perform.

As a self-taught wanna-be performer, I go all out encouraging the younger dancers to give it their all and having the winning smile.

So much so, I want to write a lesson plan called Stage Presence and present it…. I am a Piscean and my head can often be found in the clouds especially in the middle of the night. But tomorrow is my gift. It’s my box. And if I choose to do something that excites me then only good can come out of it and that’s as far ahead as I’m prepared to think.

This blog was completed on Saturday 19th November at 1pm. It is Sunday 20th November as I make (a never before done) an addition.

I woke up with this morning with a huge swelling in my chest and additional lump in my throat and for the first time I was elated.

It wasn’t cancer.

It was PRIDE.

Having watched both my daughters perform at their Christmas Show last night at the Parr Hall, I could have burst. As any mum would feel pride watching their daughters on stage in such a professional show, what was most over whelming (so much so I am crying now) was the amount of people who approached me just to tell me how much they noticed my girls.

That’s My Girl by Fifth Harmony is my favourite song at the moment and loads of people know this because I make no secret that I love it. How apt.

I reckon it will be my favourite song for a long time now.

And for anyone else out there facing an uncertain future know this that this time 5 years ago I balled through every dance show performance thinking I wouldn’t be here to see another.

And although that doubt still naturally lingers, I’m still here, still crying but for different reasons and I’m planning now what I can do next year to be more involved instead of thinking the worst.

My gold box may not reveal to me my future but right now, nights like last night, make life great. And that’s my choice. I’m back in control

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