Its been 3 months since I last wrote because to be honest I couldn't bring myself to do so.  As I slipped into a depressive state, with only moments of joy being in my grasp, I found myself not caring about anything.  And that's what depression is, being in a state that nothing or no one can pull you out of.  Engulfed in a complete state of being consumed with misery all the time.  I was down about not what had happened to me, the car crash, loss of memory, lack of understanding, frustration the list goes on, but the cancer and my future.  Every moment I was drawn to thinking of the future from when I woke in a morning to going to bed, relating everything, every conversation, every occurrence to what my future held and it was those thoughts that made me crumble.

From about June until now I have wallowed in the negativity my thoughts have been holding on to. Having no concentration to read anymore, I found that the books that once pulled me through tough times I could no longer give my attention to, so I just felt worse and worse as time went on.  I gave anti-depressants a try as I couldnt bare it any longer but to no avail as I found the side effects worse to deal with than the sadness.  But that sadness would creep up again and so I'd attempt to try them again but couldnt bare being unable to function on them.  I blame my brain bleeds for the inability to fight the excrutiating tiredness and loss of appetite that I succumbed to each time I tried them.  After the third attempt and the third different brand, I realised that they just werent for me and I'd have to either pick myself up or stay like this forever.

And then I went to see my Homeopath, who not only listened to me but understood me.  I was given a remedy that shifted me immediately and a further remedy that has changed my mood entirely.  Along side this I've been seeing my meditation teacher who is helping me shift my mood with tapping it out or EFT as it's more commonly known.  She gives her time so freely and with such deternination and belief that these thoughts are only in my mind and that is all they are, thoughts.  Also twice a week I have started accepting hands on healing from a spiritualist and more so a friend, who visits me twice a week and has done since the start of the year.  Along with my weekly massage for relaxation from a dear friend, I could not be doing anymore to shift myself from what once was a deep, dark place.

Planning a trip to Disney World has given me a focus and something I can look forward to. My mind no longer wandering to whether I will be here or not in the near future but to which fun parks we will be visiting and how much everyone is going to enjoy the holiday.  Thanks to regaining some sort of belief into what I used to believe in, prior to the crash, I can get a grip on life again.  I can look back and only admire and thank all those who have stood by me and continue to do so as I crack on with my recovery and no longer will I feel sad by those who have misunderstood me due to their lack of compassion as I have an abundance of people who love and care for me, their actions speaking louder than words ever could.  Grateful is a word that springs into my mind at this moment which it would never have done so a few weeks ago, and the ability to realise now I have reached a place of 'normality' I'll know exactly what to do should I slip again.

I'll sit back and enjoy what I have now and make the most of every second with those that love me around me.. And if that's not enough to be going on with Nikki, my dearest, best friend has organised a fourth Rainbow Ball for more than 370 people in March which I'll be getting my glad rags on for.

So with lots to look forward to and those around me who believe that anything is possible, I'll continue to venture on with hope in my heart.