“BABY, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave...”
Little did Seal know when he wrote the words to his classic 1995 hit that one day it would be the soundtrack to a wannabe Italian muscleman dousing a pouting Geordie miserablist and a bosom Coventrian wearing seal costumes in buckets of fish water on national television.
But that was the scene which greeted viewers last night on Big Brother – a task that brought a wry smile to Mario’s face each time he soaked the gruesome twosome.
Despite Mikey and Luke proving elephants do forget, the housemates passed the task and won a luxury budget. Cue wild celebrations and a drop in the tension that has developed since the nominations were announced.
However, experienced viewers will know harmony is only a fleeting experience in the BB house.
Becky has revealed an ugly personality to match her exterior, gossiping about Rachel at every given opportunity. And as birds of a feather flock together, it seems only logical that she has developed a partnership with loathsome Luke.
After the repulsive moment when Becky made a point of inspecting Luke's 'balls' I can only shudder to think what will happen if their friendship develops into something more. In normal circumstances I would feel sorry for Luke, but judging by the bitching and stirring he indulged in while talking to Jen about Kathreya, this odious snake deserves everything he gets.
At this point the show veered into the realm of the surreal, with a mass jelly fight accompanying pictures of a blind man shaving off his eyebrows. Don’t slip Mikey! Bizarrely the removal of this unnecessary facial hair turned the Scot into a blind Rocky, as he began rocking the punch bag like Stallone in his prime.
Rachel and Kathreya whooped with delight, until Darnell brought them down to earth by placing Mikey's achievement in its context – arguing that just because he's blind it doesn’t mean he hasn’t got rhythm and that the other housemates should start judging him as a man first and a blind man second.
Unfortunately the girls didn’t understand his logic, and Darnell may not last long if his intelligence and reasoning continues to confound his peers. A high IQ and intriguing opinions do not go hand in hand with BB success.
The undoubted highlight of the show was a full-on row between Becky and Rex. Becky took a dig at Rex’s cooking and the chef responded by questioning whether she needed to eat any more cookies on account of her always "stuffing her face". Becky decided to neck Rex's pal Mohamed's wine in revenge and as she sat laughing at her hilarity things stepped up a gear.
"Why don't you get your tits out Bex, that'll amuse everyone?" snapped Rex.
"Why don't you talk about your restaurant some more, 'cause we all wanna hear about it and that's why you're up for a nomination. Wooooo!" replied Becky, before adding her personal guarantees that Rex will be evicted. Oh dear. There’s going to be some egg on her face.
Eventually the duo had a heart to heart, and suddenly the housemates had made Kathreya the scapegoat instead, based on her tearful reaction to the argument. It’s a dog eat dog world in this house. Kat’s fragility may be irritating, but she’s a nice girl and the sight of her sat alone in the garden crying was actually quite sad. Maybe I’m going soft.
Once again the only housemate showing any attempt to calm matters in the house and genuine empathy and sympathy was Warrington’s Lisa – could she yet emerge as a contender for this year’s title?
One thing is certain - with the likes of Stephanie and Sylvia long gone and Jen set to be evicted tonight, BB's producers will surely be looking to add some fresh female talent to occupy poser Stuart and the soon-to-be-grieving Dale.
Unless they think more images of Becky and Luke in bed will provide the TV romance of the summer...
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