AFTER five days in a field in Somerset, I felt totally disconnected from events in the Big Brother house.

However, I should have known the controversy generated by Amy Winehouse and Jay-Z's performances at Glastonbury would pale into comparison when compared with the latest offering from this turbulent series.

You would think that the sight of a skeletal drug fiend punching an innocent fan in the face (simply because a member of the audience threw a straw hat at her ludicrous beehive) would be difficult to match in terms of shock value.

But even Amy would probably think twice before spitting in somebody’s face on live television (unless of course she was defending the honour of her beloved Blake).

So after a long weekend sabbatical it was with some relish that I sat down to watch last night’s episode – mainly because I wanted to find out who is the new Public Enemy #1 now the distasteful trio of Alexandra, Sylvia and Dennis are no longer fouling our screens.

The show began with Big Brother sending Luke to jail for using a secret code to discuss nominations. The two-faced toe-rag could rot behind bars for all I care, but the punishment meant he was set to miss out on making his nominations.

Dale nominated Rex for telling Becky she didn’t need to eat any more cookies. Well, he does have a point. And Rex’s buddy Mohamed - no surprises there.

Darnell chose Jen and Mario. Leave the big man alone! Jen plumped for ‘manipulative’ Rachel who ‘smiles constantly’. How dare she have a sunny disposition! And ‘sly’ Kat. Eh? Have I missed something?

Kat opted for Jennifer and Bec. Apparently Bec doesn’t like nursery rhymes, or something like that.

Ugh. Becky, who seems determined to bring yet more shame on Coventry, took off her top and let three boys spray her giant boobs with suntan lotion. Classy.

Lisa picked ‘emotional’ Jen and ‘spoilt’ Becky, while Mario chose the ‘chauvinist pig’ Rex for defacing Jen’s artwork and Mohamed for flouting health and safety regulations. Ha ha. What a stickler.

Jen said she is sick of being stuck in a love triangle. Oh dear. Stop mucking Dale about then or shut up. God, I am sick of this woman.

Rachel picked Jen and Bex. Popular those two. Becky selected ‘grumpy’ Rex who “talks to people like a piece of poo” and Rachel “who grates on me like I’m a cheese grater”. Don't you just love her masterful use of language?

The granite-faced trollop then asked BB if she could use a get out of jail card so her ally Luke could nominate… a clever move.

But the best was yet to come as Cov's curmudgeon had a blazing row with Mohamed for stealing her tobacco. Mohamed later found his belt, ripped in half by Becky, and it looked like World War Three was set to break out in the house once more. They should rename this series Fight Club. The pair eventually shook hands, but it seemed a pointless exercise.

Meanwhile Rex selected ‘childish’ Rebecca and ‘fake’ Jennifer – “the boiling point of all arguments”. Devious but dull Stuart went for Rachel and Rex.

So Jennifer was definitely up, and with Rex and Rebecca tied on five each… it all came down to Luke. Having been granted a get out of jail card by his pal Becky his casting vote was all to easy to predict, with the bitchy pie-eater picking Darnell and Rex.

So it’s Jen and Rex up for eviction. It should be fun watching the announcement tonight. I hope she cries.