BIG Brother Series 9 is here! You will be able to follow all the ups and downs of the series and the trials and tribulations of the 16 new housemates in our Big Brother Blog... so let's get started.
9.00pm: Davina McCall returns to our screens with a jibe at Britain's Got Talent, or perhaps the housemates we are about to meet. Audiences are treated to a glimpse of the house, complete with luxury bedroom, confinement cell and a giant ashtray for smokers to sit in, which they are not allowed to leave while smoking. How dare they enjoy smoking. Seven minutes in and Davina's incessant shouting and rolling about on a carpet is making my eyes bleed.
9.14pm: First up is Warrington's own Mario Marconi! The Sly Stallone lookalike aged 42 is entering the house as part of the first Big Brother couple with his partner Lisa, aged 40.
The Italian Stallion who has never been to Italy apparently used to be called Shaun - and according to Davina sold his Rolex watch so Lisa could pay for a boob job. Crikey. Wearing a tight red t-shirt Mario looks as if he spends a lot of his time in the gym, while Lisa looks glamourous in a long black gown. Cheers drown out a few boos - and after George Sampson's success Warrington is once again first on the TV map!
9.16: Northern chimp Luke aged 20 likes to wear a suit. He's a student, but wants to redefine the image of students, so no unwashed baggy jumper here. Booed by the crowd, they obviously weren't impressed with his anecdote that he is rubbish in bed and once referred to the missionary position as the 'military position'.
9.20: 19-year-old student Stephanie, a Popstars the Rivals also-ran who lied about her age enters the house. Seemingly in love with her own reflection, she should have male viewer's tongues wagging as long as they turn down the sound when she opens her mouth.
9.25: Big Brothers Speaks! The Big Man invites the four housemates into the diary room. Luke looks nervous, and is compensating by rattling incessantly. Our man Mario in contrast looks like he has been in the house his whole life and this is a stroll in the park for him and Lisa.
9.26: Secret Mission Time! Mario and Lisa's romance is about to come to an end - they and their new pals have to ensure that nobody discovers they are a couple. Mario and Stephanie are the new couple in Big Brother world... Lisa looks delighted. She'd better get used to it, because if they fail they all face eviction next week. If they win, everybody else faces the music.
9.34: Welsh, self-confessed 'annoying' Rachel, aged 24, is next up. The enthusiastic Brunette has a lot to say for herself - looks like she picked the right TV show. The crowd seem to like her and she seems to like the cameras. Oh and she has a lot of pets, including one called Snowy.
9:39: Mario calls Rachel Catherine, and then Shirley. Maybe his new acting role is confusing him, but Rachel didn't seem to notice.
9:40: Dale, 21, student. Admits he is arrogant, likes women but refers to them like a neanderthal, and is a good bet to be the first Public Enemy Number One. Bring on the boos. Sadly some teen girls don't seem to mind being called a part of their anatomy, and are cheering for this idiot anyway.
9:43: 'Trendy' Sylvia, another student, is 21 and came to England at the age of 11 from Sierra Leone to escape the civil war. She seems to have a bit of an attitude and rates her looks highly, but aside from our couple she is the most interesting housemate yet and nowhere near as shallow as Dale. Surprise, surprise, the crowd boo her, because brains and opinions is not a winning combination when it comes to Big Bro.
9:47: Dennis aged 23 admits he may be a slut. Strange way to describe yourself. He likes dancing and theatre and has eyebrows plucked to perfection, plus Kylie Minogue is playing during his segment. Taking a guess, I'd say he might be gay. Oh what a hat. That is superb. My guess may have been right. Apparently he's Scottish too. He's certainly going to inject some life into proceedings.
9:50: Eight housemates in and time for a break. Phew.
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