PENKETH mum Mel O'Neill has been fighting breast cancer for more than a decade.

She writes a regular blog for the Warrington Guardian on her experiences.

Why is it so much easier to give advice than to practice what you preach?

After an MRI on my eyes and brain last week I pushed thoughts of the results to the back of my mind and ploughed on regardless until Tuesday when I received an email asking me to attend my oncologist’s clinic two days later at The Christie hospital, Manchester.

He has my results I thought as my stomach began to flutter, my heart sank and my palms began to sweat.  Why hasn’t he called me like he did last September after having an MRI then when he told me my results were fine over the phone so he could put my mind at rest?

He obviously had bad news that he wanted to see me face to face.

From that moment on all my words of wisdom that I’ve acquired over the ten years, went out of the window as my mind started to race.  As hard as I tried I couldn’t stop the cruellest of thoughts bombarding me as I tried meditating and clearing my mind along with watching TV trying to switch off and refocus.

My overthinking was out of control as my anxiety soared, crying in the car, on my Lymphedema nurse, in my bedroom and on the phone.  I rarely cry on anyone’s shoulder other than my husband’s but on this occasion I unloaded to my friends who were there, albeit on the screen with words of comfort and reassurance.

It didn’t help only having three hours sleep after reading my email so I was tired having unreasonable thoughts the following day.

Why hasn’t he phoned me to tell me my scan results?  They must be bad if he’s requesting I go into his clinic for an appointment.

Leading to…

How will he break the news?  I bet he’ll ask for a Macmillan nurse to be present to help support me after he’ given me the blow.

Leading to…

I wonder how many tumours have been found and where on my brain are they situated?

Leading to…

Will I be able to have an operation to remove them?

Leading to…

Carl would be better off without me having to drive me to all the hospital appointments that will follow and dealing with having to care for me along with running a business.

Leading to…

My funeral, I know exactly what I want as I’ve thought about this often over previous years but I’ve never told anyone or written it down.  I need to write it down.

Leading to…

I need to write my thoughts and feelings down about my kids and give this to them to remember me by.

Shall I ask how long I’ve got left? (Having never wanted to know this before I contemplated asking so I could prepare)

Was I wrong about my thoughts and beliefs about the mind ruling the body as I’ve never felt more purposeful and content sharing my vlogs on make-up and my daily antics giving people hope that you can live an enjoyable life even with cancer. If I was feeling so well and so happy why had it spread to my brain and was I wasting my money on everything I’ve invested in taking to keep me well?

The unbearable thoughts just kept coming, playing over and over like a scratched record in my mind’ my only comfort being that I only had to wait a day before receiving the news.

So Thursday came, barely sleeping we set off in the car, Carl accompanying me due to being unable to retain information thanks  to my brain injury.

Warrington Guardian:

We waited over an hour and 15 minutes to see my oncologist as he was so busy, my anxiety rocketing.  I ran out of lives on Candy Crush, I am the world’s best speller on Scrabble and if I played one more game of Solitaire I would throw my phone out of the nearest window.

My oncologist entered the room alone apologising for keeping me waiting explaining how he had a member of his team off sick confirming I was his last patient of the day, my mouth went dry.

“Your scan came back clear” he eventually said as I covered my face with both hands breathing the biggest sigh of relief imaginable.

I explained my anxiety as he described his work load from the NHS apologetically making it impossible for him to have called.

After he flippantly said the word ‘remission’ and how my cancer markers (found in my blood test results) had never been so low, we chatted for ages telling me how I needed to stay on Herceptin that would only keep the cancer at bay for so long and then I would need more chemo to hopefully supress it again. 

I scolded him jokingly telling him he was ruining my moment but with his expertise and experience he needed to make me aware.

And aware I am.  I will always be shadowed by this thought knowing I will never be cured but there’s one thing for sure…  I was right about the mind affects the body and I haven’t wasted my money on taking my Zinzino oil to keep my cells healthy or my DDR Prime DoTerra essential oil that I spent hours making the capsules to take twice daily hoping it would renew my cells like it says on the tin.

I have no proof that the three things above have contributed to keeping the cancer at bay but I do know having had inflammatory breast cancer for ten years, I have never gone so long (4 months) without chemotherapy and being such an aggressive cancer I feared the worse only to be told there is no evidence of cancer left in my body.

I cry now typing this with a mixture of emotions.  Happy tears for myself.  Tears of disbelief after 10 years of dealing with this rollercoaster.  Sad tears for others knowing how they feel to be given devastating news and although I didn’t get that, I felt those feelings in the run up to the appointment and I’ve received many a blow over the years.

But one invaluable lesson I have learnt is that there is no point in worrying about the future as you could be completely wrong about the outcome, as I was.  Face it head on when it happens.  It’s human nature to be fearful protecting you so the blow is less shocking and destructive if you are prepared.  But does that work?  Is the blow softened by worrying yourself stupid in the run up?  I think not!

As I’ve said before, life will always throw shit at us but it’s how we react to it that counts.

I know had the wait for my appointment been longer I would have sought solace in friends and counselling friends to learn how to cope better. 

Fear is a part of life, not allowing it to consume you is the tricky part.