Getting back into a routine is harder than I thought. 

But I am slowly learning to accept my new found freedom as both my girls are now at high school and walking home at the end of their school day so there’s no rushing to collect them from school in the car.

There was a time when I never thought I’d be here to share this experience with them, to see them going from children to young adults; to share their worries and celebrate their achievements.

But I am still here and I am well.

I look back now over the last 7 and a 1/2 years and think what has cancer taught me and is still teaching me every day?

A question I tried to and remember when I was relaxing on holiday in the sun with only my thoughts to keep me company and fear of the unknown was wedging itself in between me and my Lillo.

My immune system is so weak now due to the shed load of chemo I’ve had over the years and my eyes are getting worse (a common side effect from the treatment I am currently on) but luckily, I’m ok, so I’ll continue to take my vitamin C drink that I make weekly, my Life Mel honey, my supplements, my homeopathic remedies, have my reflexology and visit a hyperbaric chamber weekly hoping this is all contributing to keeping me well even though my blood test results show how very low my white blood count is.

So when the thought of “How much more can my body take and am I nearing the end?” pops into my head which then sends my thoughts onto a treadmill of other fearful questions I try and remember all the times when I have been so very frightened, yet something I was unaware of at the time, was always there to give me hope.

I remember that cancer has taught me to embrace life, not to worry about it.

To live life more fully, revelling in the good times and learning from the bad.

I’ve learnt that what you give out, it always comes back so every decision I make comes from a good intention.

I’ve learnt to love myself finally after 44 years knowing that no one is better than me and that we are all equal, something I was never taught but teach my kids this every day that it’s all down to perception.

Without cancer I wouldn’t be aware of any of this. I wouldn’t have met my friend Marsha on an internal flight to West Palm Beach to try the raw food diet.

I wouldn’t have travelled to Brazil alone in search of healing.

I wouldn’t have gone to Switzerland to do a talk in front of 250 medical professionals rewarding myself with the luxury of a 3 Michelin starred restaurant whilst I was there.

But more than this, cancer has taught me to enjoy the life that I have chosen and to stop fretting about things that will be forgotten about next week.

Happiness, love, friendships, honesty, laughter, gratitude are just a few of the words that I choose to replace the negativity, loneliness, sadness and fear I feel on a daily basis still.

It seems easy to accept all the above after having my treatment on time recently.

But it’s not so easy accepting this when I receive any bad news or sit and wait for my 6 weekly scan results and eye tests.

Acceptance is a word that I want to add to my replacement list and I’m almost there but it has taken me 7 ½ years to get there and like I said, it’s easier to accept my situation when things are going well.

An IBC support group member recently posted how she has been living with skin metastases (when the cancer spreads from the primary site) for 14 years and I was filled with hope that I too could be here a lot longer than I once thought.

And then I realise… I am living with cancer not dying of cancer and for as long as I am well I will dance and enjoy watching my kids grow up and all the other things I love to do. 

I will do them in abundance to ward off those nasty thoughts and allow the blissful ones to take up residence.

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