WHAT is the dictionary’s definition for Incurable, Perception, Knowledge, Intention and Choices?

For example a doctor gave me the knowledge that my disease cannot be cured and is therefore incurable almost 5 years ago.

The doctors told tell me today that my white blood count is too low and that my body has taken quite a battering from 7 years of chemo and is finding it hard to recover now and my eyes are becoming worse, the cornea becoming thinner and thinner each time I go and more and more blood shot.

It wasn’t his/her intention to upset me but to give me the facts. The way I perceive the information is down to choice.

Is this it? Has my body finally had enough and given up?


A~ Omg, this is the end of the line for me. I am going to die. This cancer is terminal.

I am terminal and how dare the doctor upset me like that.

My world is caving in and I can’t carry on.

Being weak with fear and overcome with grief I can’t stop crying.

Thinking the worst is my only option and as I do, more and more horrible thoughts pop into my head.

Who will bring my children up and be their mum, always being there for them to guide them through life?

Who will support and love my husband the way I do?

My family and friends will be overcome with grief, the burden of this grief will never leave them.

How do I want my funeral to be, who will attend and what songs shall I have playing?

I’ll miss special family occasions like my kids proms, their 16th, 18th, 21st birthdays, their first boyfriend, driving lesson, job and many more.

Warrington Guardian: Mel O'Neill with her two daughters

Blogger Mel O'Neill with her two daughters

B~ Ok I’ve got incurable cancer but that does not mean its terminal as they can treat it…for how long, I don’t know but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

In the mean time I’ll keep fit and well with a healthy diet and exercise and read like mad to gain more knowledge on how to keep my mind and body strong.

If I happen to come across something alternative which appeals to me, I’ll give it a go, in fact I’ll give anything a go.

I’ll try my hardest to live in the moment and enjoy life as much as I can, trying as much as I can to do things that I love and make me happy.

I’ll never give up and I’ll start to love myself and realise I don’t have to change in order for people to like me.

I realise I AM ENOUGH.

As well as looking forward to special occasions, I’ll make the most of every occasion that is happening around me now.

If knowledge is going to destroy my hope and zest for life, I’ll choose what knowledge I need to know and what knowledge I want to know.


I have made “choice A” many, many times.

I have had those thoughts, some remaining and linger on days when I’m tired and dealing with side effects from my chemo.

Not being superwoman and far from perfect, I do wallow from time to time and start to feel sorry for myself still dealing with cancer as well as everyday stresses in life but I’m reminded by my wonderful children and amazing husband, to snap out of it and crack on giving me lots of compliments that remind me I AM ENOUGH.

I’ve read lots of positive books, believing that I can be cured and not so long ago thought that I was until my white blood count dropped so low that they couldn’t give me the chemo for over 2 months and the inflammatory breast cancer came back in the skin on my upper arm.

But I then chose “choice B” and realising that things can and do change at any second, some for the good and some for the bad but things that happen are out of my control and never knowing what is around the corner I try hard to not waste time worrying about them.

Last week after finally having my chemo after a 2 week delay, as again my white, blood count was extremely low, a friend Christine Burns, posted a video on my Facebook page.

Watching it I learnt there was a honey available from Israel, that when taken, stops your white blood count from dropping when on chemotherapy.

Bizarrely it was called Life Mel (if that wasn’t a cue to get it, I don’t know what was?) and recommended by the doctor on ITV’s This Morning.

I immediately went online to buy it and it was delivered the next day.

Taking as instructed; only time will tell if it is working. It’s funny how things happen to me unexpectedly with a hidden message… Life Mel.

I choose not to believe in coincidences either and that everything happens for a reason. It was meant to be I kept telling myself.

Life is a choice. I surround myself with love.

I love being a mum.

I love my friends and family.

I love to dance.

But when life throws me curve balls it’s a struggle to keep my chin up and my state of mind slips from all the things I love doing to thinking that sooner or later my struggle and life will come to an end as the awfulness of choice A’s way of thinking takes over.

It’s at times like this when my strength is put to the test as I remind myself of the better Choice B and I won’t stop until I’m back in control…of my mind anyway!