Three weeks into this new chemotherapy and I’ve only seen small changes, unlike previous chemos where I’ve seen a huge difference almost straight away. 

Every day I feel a different emotion (all due to the brain injury).

I can feel relieved that I have no soreness or pain anymore and on another day I see the redness in my skin still apparent and itching and I feel sad again.  But as I’m told this new chemo Kadcyla works differently so the results may appear differently too so I still live in hope and pray for only a good outcome.

Yesterday I was admitted to a clinical psychologist at Christies to help deal with my prognosis. 

I told her I have minimal trouble dealing with the day to day issues since car accident like memory loss (I’ve found it to be other people who have issues with this) and lack of coordination or the side effects of the chemo like fatigue but I’m in constant pain with my thoughts of a future without me in it. 

I don’t feel upset for me but for my seven and nine year old girls.  I told her of how my thoughts keep jumping to the future and I can’t bear the thought of them growing up without a mum. 

I (possibly) would feel different if I didn’t have any kids or if I had boys but two little girls left to find their way in life without a mum to encourage or support them is crushing but I also feel that any mum would feel like this with or without their life being threatened.  

So she advised me to write things down, things that I want to happen if I’m not here.  She said by dealing with it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen and it will help you come to terms with it in the process of doing so.  ‘It’ being my death.

All I want is to be at peace with whatever life throws my way.  To cuddle my kids without tears rolling down my cheeks and for them to see their mum who lives every day in the moment for what it is, not sat around crying about what might happen.

I look at Lynda Bellingham who has clearly come to terms with her prognosis and stopped her chemo due to the awful side effects and accepted her death.  It’s taken her a year to accept her death but I’ve had this awful disease for three and a half years and was told a year ago that it was now incurable and I told the psychologist I will never be ok with leaving my kids. 

Everyone else, I believe in my heart, will be ok eventually but the kids being without a mum at such a young age is unthinkable and I want to show them that I did everything I could to get better not accept my prognosis.   

As my friend Sarah told me “you don’t have to focus on something to acknowledge it.”

So I’ll probably write a letter to my girls for them to read not when I’ve gone because I’m not going anywhere yet, but for when they reach 18 and they’ll know what I thought of them and how proud I am of them, even though I tell them on a regular basis and hope that brings me some peace, although the thought of doing that is terrifying. 

People, especially friends and my mum and dad, bring peace into my life, daily helping out and understanding, but not everybody sees me for what I’m going through and think I’ve gone back to the old Mel pre-diagnosis where I’m fully recovered and give me more stress to deal with which I’m unable to cope with right now. 

Understandably everyone has their own problems in their own lives and that’s what I’ve got to remember.

So I’ll try to make a pact that life is what you make it and life is happening now.  I have so many lovely things to look forward to so I must try and forget about the ‘what if’s’ and as I am well enough in myself, embrace the good things that are coming like New Year in London, afternoon tea in Manchester and a ‘Most Inspirational Woman’ award nomination from the Warrington Guardian amongst other things.  All designed to bring a smile. 

I watched Pride of Britain awards briefly this week and thought if they can overcome such obstacles then I too can overcome these thoughts and enjoy the time I have now. 

I can choose to look at it from a different perspective.  What if the chemotherapy works?  What if I live?  What if they find a cure in the meantime?  Like my friend said, you choose what it is you want to focus on.  So I choose life and focus all my attention on living.