It’s been so long since my last blog but I have had so many worries and concerns about my surgery and recovery that I felt I wanted to deal with it in the most dignified of ways and didn’t want others worrying unnecessarily.  So I withheld from writing and focused all my energies on getting to the bottom of my worries with those closest to me.  After my surgery I was ecstatic.  The cancer had been removed successfully with super clear margins and minimal pain.  But the worry started to appear when my scars burst open in numerous places many weeks after the op and refused to heal.  Red skin appeared on my back and chest and I knew something was wrong.
And fourth time round, I still haven’t learnt!  I asked everyone else for their opinion.  I searched tirelessly for those who would tell me I was ok and everything was going to be alright.  But the impact of their words only lasted a few days and before I knew it I was in turmoil again.  When I look back now I realise that was my inner being telling me something was wrong and without that I would never have gone for those biopsies a few weeks ago.
Still convinced that it was something less sinister I went for the results last week only to be told the cancer cells were still present.  The night before my results I cried myself to sleep thinking of the what if’s and worrying that if the news was bad I’d have nowhere to turn, no more options left, I’d exhausted almost all of them.  That’s why I convinced myself everything had to be ok.  I cried with my kids when they asked me “If the results are bad mummy are you going to die?”  I had no answer for even I didn’t know.  They saw something I never wanted them to see that night, the fear in my eyes and the fear of the unknown.  And so you can imagine how I felt when I was given the news.
Now I can sit here and dramatise it telling of how my world came tumbling down around me and how it felt like I could no longer breathe but really I have no words to describe how it feels believing you may die soon and not knowing how long you have left.   There are just no words. 
For the week that followed, I dwelled, I cried, I mentally planned my funeral, I looked at my clothes and jewellery and thought about who I would like to give what to.  I wondered how my kids would remember me.  Darcey (6yr) shouted at her nana recently and I sat her down and talked her through why that was inappropriate behaviour and I asked her to call her nana and apologise.  Who would teach them these lessons now and would they teach them in the same way as I would?  Everything made me cry.  I couldn’t face the school run and I could barely manage to get myself up and out of bed most days.  But you know what I did.  I battled through the tough, shitty days and thought know matter how hard a struggle it is now, it’s got to get easier.  Something would come along and I would know when that something felt right for me.
So many people were willing to help after my Facebook post but all I needed was mental clarity and so I chose my amazing life coach friend Tiffany Kay who came and sat with me for hours at no charge and allowed me to really understand how I was feeling and how I had got there.  You see I’ve been searching for almost 2 ½ years for someone, anyone, to tell me that it’s all going to be ok.  I’ve seen spiritualists, mediums, life coaches, John of God, psychotherapists, homeopaths, nutritionists you name it I’ve done it, searching for the answer.  And yes this is quite normal!  Not everyone does it I know, but I went into overdrive but not to get well just to be told I will get well.
It’s now time to stop searching.  I want to get well and support my body in the best way possible and of course I’d love for the cancer to go but I know now I need to learn to live with it, to accept it as part of me and just know that if it’s meant to go it will.  My oncologist today told me it’s trapped in my skin and is unlikely to spread into my organs so if controlled, it may go into remission or at least if we can keep it in the skin then death isn’t on the cards.  Targeted treatment is no longer an option as the bugger will just pop up somewhere else in the skin, that’s its habit apparently.  So I am choosing to look at this redness now as a skin irritation that can be managed and I hope will eventually get better.  Cancer is no longer on the cards.  I am not Melanie with cancer so do not tilt your heads at me or tell me to fight harder because there is no battle.  Fighting is not an option, healing is.  It will have no more of my attention but my mind and body will. Note to self… I’m all yours now.  I promise to listen in future and do what’s right for my health and wellbeing.  If I make a choice it will be for the goodness of my body not to give the cancer any more of my energy, time or talk.
I wasted a week in a very dark place because I assumed too much about the future.  Who knows what’s around the corner for any of us, it’s the present that counts.  That’s easy to say now the death sentence has been removed.  But I am no inspiration or hero, I am human.  My only charm is I can put these feelings into words so others get the picture and if anyone is following a similar path they do not feel alone.  My supporters and friends have been what I can only describe as overwhelmingly amazing but hopefully I will not pop my clogs before Christmas so we can continue any fundraising with a lot more ease.
My journey is far from over, I know, but it continues to be a journey with hope.  I am considering a trip to see a doctor in Germany and then a holistic doctor in South Africa, both who aim to restore my health (…see I never mentioned the C word in that sentence!) so the funding is still greatly appreciated.  And for the time being I will be getting to know someone just a bit better, listening a bit harder to and understanding what really makes that person tick.  That person being ME!  Note to self …..I am listening now!

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