Who’s in charge?

Any nap above 30 minutes is considered miraculous in our house and more than two a day is met with blessed relief, which means there isn’t much time do anything non-baby related.

I’ve heard tales of babies sleeping during the day. I’ve even met parents who swear their child likes to snuggle in a cot for at least a couple of hours at a time.

One friend told me they managed to put down decking in the garden thanks to the time freed up by daytime napping. That wouldn’t happen with us.

Partly because of my terrible DIY reputation (ask my wife, Clare) and mostly because Erin would never sleep long enough for me to do more than look quizzically at a few planks of wood whilst guessing which way round they should go.

Parents might think we’re in control but babies know the truth. From the day she was born there’s only been one person in charge of what we do and when, and that’s the crying, cooing, giggling baby.

I don’t have an alarm clock anymore as Erin decides what time we wake up. Changing a nappy is like wrestling an octopus as she wriggles free to explore the nursery.

The exact moment we have to leave the house becomes the perfect time to sit under the kitchen table and take off your socks.

All three of us can be eating the same meal and Erin will refuse her plate and point at ours, as if to say, “I don’t just want the same as you mum and dad, I want to take your food.”

As she’s grown, her ways of letting us know what she wants have changed.

At first it was crying, then crying or smiling depending on if she was happy or not, the third stage was pointing at objects and saying “Nnnnnnn!” till the teddy bear, toy, or snack, was placed in her reach.

Now Erin is mobile she crawls over, grabs a toy and waves it in the air till you join in and play.

Her favourite pastime of recent weeks is to point at her hand, which is the signal to sing “Round and round the garden” whilst making a circle on her palm.

After two lines of the rhyme she’ll swap hands and point at the other one.

So I start again and she then points at her foot; the signal for “This little piggy…”.

By the time I’m on the second toe she’s switched back to her first hand to start the dance all over again.

It’s a deliberate act to wind me up. I can tell by the cheeky smile and after a couple of minutes of constantly swapping I’m reduced to tickling her excessively till she’s had enough.

The influence babies exert goes further than you think. I’ve found Sure Start centres are a great resource for advice on child development but one thing I’ve come to realise is how they tacitly confirms the control babies have.

For example: “Question: When is the right time to start moving on to solid food?”

“Answer: When the baby starts grabbing food from your plate.”

“Question: When should you start potty training?”

“Answer: When the baby starts trying to get on to a toilet seat or points at a toilet before filling their nappy.”

Regardless of the situation, the answer is almost aways “Do it when the baby tells you they want to do it, and not before.”

It’s not just Sure Start centres that babies have taken over. As a grown-up we’re told to watch what we eat, cut down cholesterol, switch to semi-skimmed milk, use low-fat spreads. T

hen you look at the advice given for feeding babies and it’s drink whole milk, use real butter, go for white bread.

All the stuff adults aren’t meant to have. I’m convinced generations of infants have gotten together secretly to make sure all the good foods are left for them whilst we scrape by on ‘healthy’ alternatives.

This is either a huge insight into a baby-led conspiracy at the heart of our culture, or I’m just tired because Erin decided we should be up early this morning.

I haven’t got time to think about which it is as she’s awake again now and we have to play a game.

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