I HAD a last minute, off the cuff, very eventful holiday in Miami seeing some of my wonderful family and meeting some lovely people.

I partied hard for the first 5 days and relaxed and enjoyed my surroundings for the 5 days following.

Then I came home and down to earth with an almighty bump.

Realising every time I begin a new phase in having treatment, I become extremely fearful, anxious, and tearful.

Family may need to tread lightly around me but since I’ve been on a fabulous holiday I returned with a calm and fearless demeanour I thought there was no need however the arguments commenced.

Having watched the heartbreakingly sad episodes of Coronation Street about the reality of dying of cancer, I implanted the scenes in my brain that it was soon to be me.

Gone were my positive attitude and the serenity overflow from my fantastic holiday only to be replaced with a belief my death was nearby and I didn’t want it to be a painful one as I envisioned.

I went to a Psycho oncology appointment at Christies on Monday where I spilled my emotions unapologetically so he could advise me on what path to take.

Because my life has been such a huge whirlwind over the past month he had no advice.

I think I needed a marriage guidance counsellor rather than a cancer talk therapist.

I already know about mindfulness. There was nothing new he could advise me on that I didn’t already know but I wasn’t doing any of it.

I was worrying so much about the future probably from watching TV episodes and the fear of embarking on yet another treatment without an anti-cancer drug to help destroy the cancer cells that I wasn’t fully living in the present moment like I was in Miami.

Everyday whilst I was there, I breathed in the warm, fresh air and felt the sun’s rays bronzing my skin feeling so thankful I had this opportunity to be there.

I was a 45-year-old wife and mum of two being able to enjoy some time off revelling in a life of Mel and do exactly what I wanted even with cancer for a whopping ten days.

I pinched myself daily thinking “who really gets to do this?” Being grateful for every moment, I had an amazing time!

Warrington Guardian: Mel O'Neill with her two daughtersMel O'Neill with her two daughters

Although I thought my Psyco oncology appointment was a complete waste of time he did say something that lifted my spirits.

He said “Is your life worth living?”

I didn’t need to think about the answer. I don’t want to die. I want to live.

Later that day I met up with my friends who I’ve been friends with for almost 20 years, and as I begun the conversation I couldn’t help but cry at the way I was feeling at that moment.

I cried and laughed and we talked about all our lives for a few hours over tea, offering advice when needed and sounding our opinions.

From the tragic death of Kath’s horse to the inability to find the perfect outfit for Mandy’s son’s wedding, Colette saw that my problems all came from a lack of control as my life is controlled begrudgingly by cancer and the hospital appointments and my inability to work and earn money due to my lack of commitment amongst other reasons.

The cancer and hospital appointments often leaves me feeling inadequate yet I know I go above and beyond as a mum.

Keeping busy and tidying constantly is my only form of control and I need to let go of that control and choose my battles in order to be more blissful.

I didn’t need any counselling. All I needed was the support and advice from my long term, kind, caring, dear friends that out-weighed the text book trainee assigned to me earlier that day.

I’ll have no time for work soon come December as I’m hoping all my attention will be directed on getting my puppy.

He will keep my mind from wandering and becoming rooted in that fearful place.

My little Cockalierpoo, who we’ve named Stanley, already puts a smile on my face just thinking about him.

Getting excited about seeing him again this Sunday I will put all my worrying thoughts in a box with the lid firmly shut and learn to accept the things I can’t control remembering my life is worth living!

Our blogger Melanie O'Neill has two children and was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer more than eight years ago.