I haven’t written for a few weeks as my emotions have been on a bit of a rollercoaster. Up one minute and down the next. After a 5 day stint in the hospital last week due to a raging temperature I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I was not the Super Woman I thought I was (shock, horror) and could no longer continue to race around like a mad woman on chemo pretending everything would be fine. A low immune system means I am susceptible to infection and must take extra care around others during my middle week in between chemo appointments. So alone with my thoughts in a hospital bed I missed my children’s dance performance at the Parr Hall, The O’Neill’s Skydive, a friend’s funeral and a Rihanna Concert! So you can imagine why I started to feel a little down.

Luckily, due to a fabulous friend with connections, Lois and Darcey were able to dance again the following weekend, the Skydive was cancelled due to bad weather and Rihanna…well I waited all year for that concert but managed to sell my tickets and I will hopefully get to see her next time round. So after a gloomy weekend in isolation, things started to look up and I started to put my Christmas plans in motion. After my release from (prison) sorry, hospital, I went out and bought all my Christmas gifts in one swoop. Chemo was looming days ahead and I wanted to be organised. So after watching the kids dance show at the Parr Hall last Friday through tear filled eyes, I was looking forward more than ever to putting up the Christmas tree and decorations and wrapping up the presents with the help of Lois (6) and Darcey (4). As we grabbed the box upon box out of the shed filled with lights, baubles and everything glittery I could feel my patience slipping as the two of them dragged everything out across the floor. “I want to put the tree up”

“No I want to put the tree up”

“No I want to put the tree up”

“SHUT UP!!! Mum has to put the tree up” I yelled.

“Can I put the lights on? Can I? Can I? Mum, Mum, Mum!”

Argghhhhhhhh what had I started! I became anxious and techy, and looking back I should have just slapped some Christmas songs on, poured myself a large Bailey’s and chilled the hell out. Instead I went to bed demented and upset that I allowed something so enjoyable to become such a pain! I was half expecting the ghost of Christmas past, present and future to pay me a visit. I cried feeling guilty for not having the patience to humour them and then realised it was Chemo day the next day and that what I was feeling was a little like Pre-menstrual tension but without the cycle.

So after a sleepless hail stoning night, off I went again to chemo, round 8, cheered up as always by my best friend Nik, where we nicknamed the nurses Leo, Avril and Jason from the Wigan cancer care suite, Leo Sayer, Avril Lavene and Jason Derulo! And from there I would have been fine if someone hadn’t have posted a forum on my FB site that I was intrigued to find out more. Every time I go on anything that is designed to help, I just end up feeling so much worse. I totally understand people finding comfort in sharing their experiences on websites, as I find my comfort through blogging to you guys. But that’s good for me because I don’t get a reply, only praise and support for my writing. But this forum was from women with the same cancer as me sharing what their doctors had told them about having the highest rate of reoccurrence, the highest death rate and signs to look out for. So those stabbing pains I had been getting since my operation went from all the muscles and nerve endings just knitting their way back together, to Christ it’s coming back! And from that it went to…is this my last Christmas, will I ever see another nativity play. How will my kids cope without me?

Fear is an overwhelming and suffocating emotion that alone is so hard to rise from and I certainly did not want to share these thoughts with my loved ones as spreading the fear is not what I ever want to do. It’s hard to keep anything from my hubby though and with bulbous eyes he knew something was wrong. All the comforting in the world could not have changed my thoughts that night but the morning after he sneakily contacted my Breast care nurse who called me immediately and told me everything I needed to hear.

My case, as everyone else’s, is individual. My pains are so, so normal after radical surgery followed by chemotherapy. My emotions are normal after having anaesthetic. I’d just come out hospital, had chemo the day before and now have to pay extra attention to where I go and who I come into contact with in case of infection, I was bound to feel low.

So I shared my feelings with some amazing friends. Went out to lunch with my wonderful parents. Tinted my eyebrows and shaved and bleached my hair in the funkiest of styles possible with minimum hair. And now I am on the up again. I’ve made plans for next week. I'm meeting up for dinner with friends on Manday. I’m booked on an inspirational course run by my friend Tiffany Kay on Tuesday and I’ve got another nativity play to watch too. Not my last one but one of many more to come. Forget PMT bring on PMA!

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here

Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here