It's been 11 weeks since the car accident, my dad passing out out at the wheel (unintentionally due to health problems) and the impact of the crash being on my side of the car.
I've been told had I been seat belted in I may not be here to tell the tale but that's arguable and 2 brain bleeds and a seizure later after I was air ambulanced to the nearest hospital that catered for head injuries, I still feel like I'm living in a bubble, someone else's world, not my own.
I have had to come to terms with having cancer all over again. I feel mentally destroyed.
The car accident left me with multiple problems, fatigue, lack of co-ordination, slow, slurred speech, memory loss, loss of emotion and depressive thoughts.
I can't multi task anymore, everything including my thinking, is one thing at a time, so I get frustrated because I used to be a mile-a-minute at everything.
I've had to surrender my driving licence so I can't drive my kids to school anymore, in fact I can't drive them anywhere anymore. I've had side effects from the chemo that I never had before... more tiredness, twinges and aches that remind me of the cancer and pins and needles in and around my mouth.
I feel like a different person than the person I was on my 40th birthday way back on 8th March (which I barely remember), someone who had no aches and pains and someone who was mentally strong and could achieve what she wanted despite having inflammatory breast cancer.
Someone who did a risque photo shoot and felt amazing during and after the shoot. Someone people looked up to as an inspiration, a doer, a go getter, not anymore. With 2 brain bleeds and just under a month in hospital I feel I have a long way to go to recover. But I so want to be that person again. I was in such a good place mentally, I was doing really well.
Instead of focusing on what I can do, I'm focusing on what I can't. All the life coaches and the therapies I've had over the last 3 years I can't remember, so I feel they have been wasted.
Time to start all over again, but how much time do I have? I suppose I'll keep going until I can't, what else is there to do?
I have supportive people all around me but nothing they say hits the spot like it used to. I suppose the brain injury is worse than I once thought it was.
I have good days and bad days.
Days when I'm full of energy and believe everything will turn out as it should, and days when I'm tired and have the world on my shoulders.
I feel like my true friends have stepped forward and made their mark, helping me out anyway they can, even if it's just their company for half an hour. And people who I thought were my true friends, nothing, I haven't seen them for dust.
So now I realise actions speaker louder then words and friends I thought I had have now become acquaintances and others who I thought were distant friends have really stepped up the mark. My poor husband has had to deal with everything from running a business to running the household and sorting the kids and me as well as dealing with the trauma of it all, but he's carried on regardless.
By far the coolest friends have been the ones that have been there for him too or at least asked if he's ok. My best friend has bent over backwards, whilst having her own family to deal with she never left my side.
My kids are just wondering when their mum is going to get better, be normal, do normal things and I've felt the need to tell them that whatever happens they will both cope and manage with or without me.
Because that's what this accident has brought, the realization of the fact that I could have died, that the world will carry on turning and that people will still carry on with their own lives whether I'm here or not. So I can still continue to teach them whilst I am here and know they will be ok eventually whatever happens to me.
So I have to make do with what I have now, at this present moment and what I can do and stop thinking about the future.
I still believe everything happens for a reason just not sure what my reason was apart from slowing me down with some added extras but whatever it was it's happened and I can't change the past or predict the future, so I'll live in the now.
Slowly, frustratedly, impatiently live in the now and hope that someone is looking down on me who feels like giving me a break.
I might try giving myself a break first. Now there's a start!