It's been months since I last wrote anything.  I've been trying to keep myself busy with the fear that if I don't my mind will wander to that dark place I came so accustomed to in the past.  After trying counselling (which never helped me) I returned to my old, faithful friends and alternative methods which I had written off when at my lowest ebb, convinced I was going to die soon anyway and that nothing could help me.  But how wrong was I?

Now I'm going to name drop a few people here (hope they dont mind) because who knows where I'd be if it wasn't for them?  Mandy Hall, my homeopath, has helped shift my mood so many times to another level entirely, along with my precious friend Lynsey Mcgrath who drops everything to be there for me and helps me see things from a different perspective with the help of EFT and meditation.  Then there's my faithful, endearing friend Phillip Nicholls who gives his time to help relax me with his amazing massage techniques even helping with my lyphatic drainage.  Then there's Sandra Connolly who I believe is the best relexologist in town, doing her stuff to help give me more energy as the chemo keeps zapping it.  And last but not least, Ian Black, a spiritualist friend that comes every week to calm me and give healing as well as the occasional message from the 'other side'.  I do all this  after slipping back to that awful, mental space I found myself in April this year. (and some I've been doing for longer)

One day, when I was feeling extremely low I was telling Ian Black how I'd paid to have hypnotherapy. Someones actions had intentionally hurt me terribly which lead to an all time low and my mood spiralled uncontrollably into the darkest depths which seemed to last for weeks upon weeks.  Me being me, I hated feeling so low and was prepared to do anything to lift myself up and out of this ongoing low mood, so I booked in for hypnotherapy just to have my mind switch off for an hour.  When I got there the hypnotherapist talked to me about filling my days with the things I love doing, that I was clearly depressed because I had nothing going on in my life and therefore nothing else to think about but cancer.  I had to write a list of all the things I love to do for my homework and as soon as I got home I not only began to write my list I started to put things in action.

I used to love going to the gym so with the help of Kirsty who obtained me a pass to see if I was ready to commit to a membership as since I've had the brain bleeds I struggle with remembering information, like routines, have no strength or balance and get tired very easily.  So I gave it a go and to my amazement I was truly enjoying myself again.  Meeting up with friends and discovering new classes as now I love Pilates.  I found some of the classes difficult for my brain to keep up with the routines but I've stuck to it and every week gets easier.  Like I teach my kids 'Practise makes perfect'.  I'm far from perfect but more importantly I'm enjoying myself and my mind is preoccupied which is a bonus.

Next I wrote of my love of dancing and how I get my enjoyment through my kids.  As I was telling Ian Black about this list, before I even mentioned my love of dancing, he looked me straight in the eye and said "why don't you take dancing lessons?"  Well I could have fallen off my chair.  How did he know I was going to mention dancing next?  At this point I had never even thought of doing it myself only with my kids so I did some enquiring and within a day I had booked a lesson with my kids dance teacher Becci Francis who came to my house days later and she began to teach me a dance routine.

I spend an hour, every week, dancing, learning new parts  to the routine, then I video her and I practise it every day as it's more of a workout for my brain, remembering the moves until the next time she comes.  To say I'm in my element is an understatement.  I've found something I truly love doing.  I've always loved to perform and now I get to do just that.  Dancing makes me feel alive, it brings joy, love, and oodles of happiness to my life and my kids are even learning the routines and helping me pick them up throughout the week.  For one whole hour I get to lose myself in dancing, tax my brain to its limits and not once do I think about cancer for a second.  I ooze excitement just talking about it and that's only got to be good for my body's cells.

I'm so fortunate to have all these people in my life, willing to help me out and helping me to forget my struggles.  So this blog is one of pure gratitude with an incredibly huge thank you for lifting me out and keeping me out of the doldrums.  And a note to anyone reading this, as my mother in law tells me, no feeling is permanent.  It will pass.  With lots of help and my own willingness to be open minded and strive to feel better, the bad days are kept at bay.  So if I have a bad day now, I know it will pass and I think of dancing, with the kids, with Becci, on my own, who cares? It's my escape.  Everyone should have an escape.  (one or even many more!) It's amazing what it can do for your soul.