New Year Predictions (From Warrington Guardian)

New Year Predictions

Blimey! What an unpredictable year 2004 turned out to be, music-wise. Surprises came from all directions, leaving even the most cynical music fan bewildered.

I mean, whoever would have expected a band like Keane to appear from nowhere to re-write the rules of tasteful, piano-based, dinner party indie rock music that Radio 2 listeners quite like? Who could have prepared their sides for the hilarious onslaught of Goldie Lookin Chain, I ask you? And who could possibly predicted that Elton John would have released another duff album?

Although I'm still reeling from these 12 months of mayhem and madness, I feel duty bound to venture where others fear to tread and attempt to guess what the new year has in store for us.

Without further ado, here are some of the musical highlights that we could be looking back at this time next year.

January:

Stunned by the events in South East Asia and angered by the British Government's lack of action, selfless piano-botherer Elton John decides to answer the region's prayers himself.

Sir Elton arranges for 500,000 unsold copies of his new album, The Peachtree Road, to be shipped in to the devastated areas.

This remarkable act of charity leaves the grief-stricken survivors of the disaster speechless.

A spokesman for the flamboyant former pop star said: "Sir Elton has always put others before himself. He was going to send some of his spare clothes but The Red Cross said it would be too much."

February:

After naming pitiful Libertines junkie Peter Doherty as the coolest man in music, the NME courts controversy once more by revealing a brave new policy: it will only review music that has been made under the influence of Class A drugs.

Editor Conor McNicholas told Music Matters: "It's something we've been considering for a while but the time seems right now. We'll probably get crucified for it in The Daily Mail, but we're prepared to stand up for what we believe in.

"We've always felt that it's not the music that's important, it's how it's made that counts, and this policy simply reinforces this view."

The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards said: "This is a great idea. In our heyday there was no need for such a policy, but now, with the likes of Keane and Coldplay around, the NME was always going to have to take action."

Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and Syd Barrett were unavailable for comment as Music Matters went to press.

March:

In the light of the NME's new policy, Coldplay's much-anticipated third album hits trouble as singer Chris Martin tries to inject cocaine and requires lengthy hospital treatment. Fans wet their beds in frustration and The Daily Mail goes ballistic. The NME responds by giving away a tab of acid free with its next issue.

April:

Eyebrows are raised when Oasis release their new single, entitled Tonight I'm Gonna Live Forever, D'You Know What I Mean? The belief that the band may be running out of ideas is lent weight by the single's B-side, Digsy's Supersonic Slideaway Dinner.

Noel Gallagher is defiant, however, and says the new album, Definitely Standing On The Shoulder of Giants Now, is a giant step forward.

"Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr have agreed to help out, and I've used the latest technology to enable me to do a duet with John Lennon. It's amazing," he said.

May:

Big boned beauty Michelle McManus, one of Pop Idol's few genuine successes, was written off by critics earlier this year after her startling duet with The Streets on Fit But You Know It sank without trace.

However, this month, she takes the charts by storm with a tender cover version of Kelis' Milkshake.

She commented: "As soon as I heard the song, I knew I had to have a crack at it. It could almost have been written about me, to be honest."

However, Michelle's legion of male fans should be warned. "If anyone comes near my milkshake, I'll deck 'em," she snapped.

June:

There are angry scenes at Glastonbury when U2 pull out of headlining on Sunday night at the last minute, and Michael Eavis brings in Cliff Richard to replace them.

He's barely halfway through his opening number, Millennium Prayer, when the missiles start.

Surprisingly, the bruised and battered Peter Pan of Pop has no regrets about his decision to perform.

"It made me realise how our lord Jesus Christ must have felt in his final hours," he remarked.

July:

Radiohead's Thom Yorke refutes claims that the band have become too inaccessible after it is revealed that their new album, How To Disappear Up Your Backside Completely, can only be heard underwater.

Thom said: "It would be too easy to write another OK Computer. We'll leave Keane or Travis to do that. Our research shows that many of our fans like water, and let's face it, how hard is it to stay submerged for the length of an album?

"This should get rid of our fair-weather fans: our true fanbase will understand what we're doing."

Even the band's most avid followers may be put off the group's next album, though: rumour has it that it will only be audible to dogs.

August:

U2's popularity, damaged considerably by their no-show at Glasto, takes a further tumble when scientists emphatically disprove Bono's unusual theory that an atom bomb can be dismantled with love.

As a result, all new copies of their album, How To Dismantle An Atom Bomb, are given a catchy new name: How To Annoy The Hell Out Of World Leaders With Meaningless, Empty Rhetoric.

Bono tries to shrug off the whole episode, and announces that he is aiming to become the next leader of the UN. Or Prime Minister. Or Pope. Whichever becomes available first.

September:

No stranger to controversy, The Manic Street Preachers' Nicky Wire follows up his endorsement of 'misunderstood' US President Richard Nixon by giving Adolf Hitler the thumbs up.

"Hitler may have overreacted somewhat, but who hasn't wanted a bit more elbow room now and again?", Wire asked. "Most historians seem to have a real problem with him, which seems a bit unfair because he's not around to defend himself any more.

"His crimes pale into insignificance compared with Margaret Thatcher's."

The Daily Mail is on the verge of going ballistic, until it realises that nobody really pays attention to Nicky Wire's views or listens to his band's music any more.

October:

Having been stung by criticism that she doesn't have enough life experience to be a soul legend, Devon's finest export Joss Stone reveals that she has spent the past six months working in a brothel, drinking a bottle of neat whisky a day and developing a 40-a-day smoking habit.

"I've seen things that would make your blood run cold. Unfortunately, I've also completely wrecked my voice," she croaked, as she announced her retirement from the music industry.

November:

Coldplay's Chris Martin, now with a raging coke habit and only the slightest grasp of reality, releases a new song to coincide with the 21st anniversary of Feed The World. "It's called F*** The World, and it s**** on the original tune," he roars. Michelle McManus is the only celebrity to join him on the song and it peaks at number 124. None of the proceeds go to charity. Martin comes in at number 49 on the NME's new Cool List.

December:

Robbie Williams, having spent most of the year counting his money and getting new tattoos, goes straight to the top of the charts with an album of nursery rhymes, sung entirely by him and accompanied by the London Philharmonic Orchestra. The album is slated by music critics across the world, but Williams grins and jokes his way through every chat show and music show going, even managing to appear twice on Jonathan Ross.

A theory emerges that the cheeky dancer has become so rich that he buys every copy of his own albums as soon as they are released, thereby guaranteeing continued success.

Williams refuses to comment on the speculation, and in interviews he will only talk about how difficult it is being him.

So, there we have it. Remember where you read it first.