Jungle japes with grumpy old punk (From Warrington Guardian)

Jungle japes with grumpy old punk

The Aussie jungle ain't big enough for the both of them - and as I write this Johnny has just taken a walk out of the 'celebrity' camp, leaving behind his main irritant Jordan.

I hope he is persuaded to make a speedy return, as the mercurial ex-punk was one of the few bright sparks in the first 10 days of 'I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here!'

He was the chief entertainer, as he slowly started to lose patience with the posing page 3 model and her posse of 'girlies' (including Pretty Pete, the poor man's poet).

The androgynous Andre has been delivering some unintentional pearls - 'We're people who have lived a life eating' and the not-to-be-forgotten lyrics of 'Insania' - but his pretentious compositions and irritating voice are now driving me to distraction.

Here is my full assessment of the campers' performance so far:

Peter Andre - pop has-been who admitted he should take singing lessons but continued to regale us with his whining excuse for a voice

Alex Best - totally anonymous contribution from a non-celebrity, who will no doubt keep her famous surname despite ditching the husband

Jennie Bond - pompous 'head girl' who must have frightened those rats into submission during her Bushtucker Trial buried in the ground

Lord Brocket - 'mad as a hatter' aristocrat who deserves a round of applause for showing us how dismissive Ms Bond is of other people's opinions during an argument

Jordan - the pneumatic one tried hard to reinvent herself as Lara Croft but the flirting with 'Six Pack' Andre did not help

John Lydon - a schizophrenic performance as he went from eco-friendly father figure to raging bull in a matter of hours - pure entertainment

Kerry McFadden - she came in like a lamb and looks like going out as a lion - an outside bet to win the title

Diane Modahl - the ex-athlete with the 'Play School' way of talking was far too normal and nice to make any real impact so it was no surprise when she was the second person to be voted out

Mike Read - not even interesting enough to vote for to do a Bushtucker Trial, or as it turns out to be kept in the camp - first out and deservedly so!

Neil 'Razor' Ruddock - pleasant enough attitude but lacking in the wit department (I know, he's an ex-footballer!) It was still a pity that he was shown the door before Anonymous Alex.

SOAP POSER

Why was anyone surprised that Tariq was reluctant to tell the Ferreira family that Dan is his father? Would you want to admit you're related to angst-ridden Ash, amoeba-brained Adi, creepy Kareena and rat-featured Ronny? Unfortunately, the speckle-faced one is bound to be the only tissue match for the stabbed DJ, who no doubt will soon be able to meet up with Corrie's Tracy to swap kidney transplant tales.

SIMON SAYS - OUCH!

I know sleazy Dr Simon has deserved a bucketload of bad karma for all his transgressions in 'Casualty', but did the rescue team have to bounce his stretcher out of the caves with such gusto on Saturday (BBC1)? No wonder he might never walk again!